I get new tasks all the time from my boss. Unfortunatly, he has an awkward way of explaining office protocol to me and I am usually pretty confused and a little sad. I'll share this little gem today...
me (on the phone to the boss): hi, I got that e-mail you sent me about buying the batteries, can you let me know where I should buy them from?
him: the same place we buy the dictation units from
me: oh ok, well why isn't Dean buying the batteries then? I mean if he buys the units, why not just add some batteries?
him (in a raised tone of voice): WELL, FIRST OF ALL BECAUSE DEAN DOESN'T BUY SHIT!! AND SECONDLY, BECAUSE WE ARE DEAN'S BITCHES
me: whoa, ok then, so you normally buy the batteries and the units?
him: I used to but you can be the battery pig, because I ain't no battery pig
P.S. I still have no idea where to buy the fucking batteries
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
the singing detective
My boss is great at catching people doing stupid things, this is probably why he is the head of security where we work. The other day I happened to sneak quietly into his office while he was looking at the security camera footage...
Him <singing to his computer>: "Look at all the Gimps, look at all the Pimps and look at all the Chimps. Look at all those gimpy, pimpy chimps"
On another note, I looked up gimpy pimpy chimps and this is the awesome-ness that came up:
Him <singing to his computer>: "Look at all the Gimps, look at all the Pimps and look at all the Chimps. Look at all those gimpy, pimpy chimps"
On another note, I looked up gimpy pimpy chimps and this is the awesome-ness that came up:
Saturday, March 5, 2011
the wine connoisseur
If my boss were a fish, he would be that one fish in your aquarium that hides in the sunken pirate ship all day, the one that only comes out from behind a rock to eat, and ironically, is the most colourful fish in the whole tank...
Me: The expensive wine you asked not to be put out is gone, must have been put out last week
Him: What the fuck?! don't people know how to read?
<pause>
I fucking guess not! That wine was like 70 dollars!!! We put a 70 dollar bottle of wine out for those GIMPS?!
<pause>
Whatever, I don't care, at least some asshole drank it. Better him than me...that shit gives me heartburn.
Me: The expensive wine you asked not to be put out is gone, must have been put out last week
Him: What the fuck?! don't people know how to read?
<pause>
I fucking guess not! That wine was like 70 dollars!!! We put a 70 dollar bottle of wine out for those GIMPS?!
<pause>
Whatever, I don't care, at least some asshole drank it. Better him than me...that shit gives me heartburn.
Friday, March 4, 2011
#1 Fan
My boss is a HUGE fan of music. He listens to some pretty obscure shit, and I mean shit that you and I have never heard of and probably never will. He will do anything to see some bands...or at least I thought...
Me: Are you going to the Motorhead show on Saturday?
Him: Sold out
Me: Why don't you see if you can get tickets from a scalper?
Him: I am not going to do that shit. Why on earth would I want to buy over priced tickets from some asshole who shouldn't have them in the first place.
Me: Are you going to the Motorhead show on Saturday?
Him: Sold out
Me: Why don't you see if you can get tickets from a scalper?
Him: I am not going to do that shit. Why on earth would I want to buy over priced tickets from some asshole who shouldn't have them in the first place.
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