po-dunk

Since the BD (big divorce) my boss has been experiencing, shall we say, several expenses that were not expected (lawyer/alimony/child support) and is finding that living in the red ain't easy

him: (looking at his computer screen) - suddenly gasps

me: "what's wrong"

him: "I'm just reacting to the bitch-slap my bank account is giving me"

Rock Bottom

So, it's been a while. My boss hasn't been so happy/funny lately. This is mainly due to him going through a horrible divorce that has been sucking the life out of him.
What he does not understand though is that tthe blog is losing it's flair and I need material...
Today I commented on his recent uplifted mood...


Me: "You are so Smiley again!"


Him: "Well, if you were in the pit of doom and managed to climb even an inch out, you'd be smiling too. But it's not exactly frolicking under fucking rainbows"


Me: "your life must be hell"

the kitchen manager

me: I am doing a running inventory and check list for items we should supply in the kitchens. (hands paper draft to boss)

him: bread knife?

me: yes. a bread knife is for slicing bagels, bread, even fruit. It is also good for people who bake and bring in their goodies to share!

him: it's not my problem if people want to be bakers little helpers and bring in brownies. maybe they should bring in their own knives. This isn't catering school, this isn't hell's kitchen. This is where you heat shit up in the microwave and snarp it down.

me: did you say snarp?

battery bitch

I get new tasks all the time from my boss. Unfortunatly, he has an awkward way of explaining office protocol to me and I am usually pretty confused and a little sad. I'll share this little gem today...


me (on the phone to the boss): hi, I got that e-mail you sent me about buying the batteries, can you let me know where I should buy them from?


him: the same place we buy the dictation units from


me: oh ok, well why isn't Dean buying the batteries then? I mean if he buys the units, why not just add some batteries?


him (in a raised tone of voice): WELL, FIRST OF ALL BECAUSE DEAN DOESN'T BUY SHIT!! AND SECONDLY, BECAUSE WE ARE DEAN'S BITCHES


me: whoa, ok then, so you normally buy the batteries and the units?


him: I used to but you can be the battery pig, because I ain't no battery pig






P.S. I still have no idea where to buy the fucking batteries

the singing detective

My boss is great at catching people doing stupid things, this is probably why he is the head of security where we work. The other day I happened to sneak quietly into his office while he was looking at the security camera footage...




Him <singing to his computer>: "Look at all the Gimps, look at all the Pimps and look at all the Chimps. Look at all those gimpy, pimpy chimps"




On another note, I looked up gimpy pimpy chimps and this is the awesome-ness that came up:

the wine connoisseur

If my boss were a fish, he would be that one fish in your aquarium that hides in the sunken pirate ship all day, the one that only comes out from behind a rock to eat, and ironically, is the most colourful fish in the whole tank...




Me: The expensive wine you asked not to be put out is gone, must have been put out last week




Him: What the fuck?! don't people know how to read?


<pause>


I fucking guess not! That wine was like 70 dollars!!! We put a 70 dollar bottle of wine out for those GIMPS?!


<pause>


Whatever, I don't care, at least some asshole drank it. Better him than me...that shit gives me heartburn.

#1 Fan

My boss is a HUGE fan of music. He listens to some pretty obscure shit, and I mean shit that you and I have never heard of and probably never will. He will do anything to see some bands...or at least I thought...


Me: Are you going to the Motorhead show on Saturday?


Him: Sold out


Me: Why don't you see if you can get tickets from a scalper?


Him: I am not going to do that shit. Why on earth would I want to buy over priced tickets from some asshole who shouldn't have them in the first place.